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Words with Cynthia Vespia

                                                                                                                                                    WORDS

                                                    

“I never opened myself this way, life is ours we live it our way. All these words I don’t just say. And nothing else matters.” – Metalllica
Life happens. Things get in the way and you get sidetracked, overwhelmed even. That’s where I have been for the past few weeks.

My father died. Something like that can sidetrack you permanently if you let it.

I can tell you I’ve felt better. It certainly cracked my momentum. My writing has suffered. I haven’t been able to think let alone put pen to paper. It has taken me three weeks to even write this blog.

Then I saw a movie. A movie about a writer, a movie about words.

Bradley Cooper, one of the finest actors of this generation and one of my all time favorites, stars as a struggling writer who happens upon an old manuscript that he winds up publishing under his name even though the story isn’t his.

The movie is riveting to say the least. But what really got to my core was the overall theme. At one point Cooper barks at Zoe Saldana who plays his love interest that he “doesn’t know how his life wound up this way.” he goes on to say that he isn’t who he thought he was and he’s afraid he will never become that person.
Damn, don’t we all feel like that sometimes? No ones life is perfectly rosy, I don’t care who you are. Even the biggest A-list celebrity must look in the mirror from time to time and wonder “what the hell?” (that’s why so many of them are on drugs I imagine.)

But the most poignant line in the film, the one that has been gnawing at my brain ever since I saw The Words, was when the old man who initially penned the lost manuscript (played beautifully by Jeremy Irons) explains why he never wrote anything else. He tells Cooper’s character that he “was afraid of going that deep again.”

                                                        

It struck me…hard! That’s what has been lacking. That’s why the passion has seemed to fizzle. That’s why I haven’t put pen to paper in months for a new novel. I’m afraid of going that deep again.

I’ve been through the ringer in my short 34 years. To be honest there’s alot of things I’d rather forget about. In writing, as in acting, you tap into your emotions to deliver the scene. Going that deep I wonder if I may not be able to come back.

But I’m willing to make that attempt. I’m willing to draw from my gut and see what it produces.

“That which doesn’t kill me only leaves me stronger.”

I hope you who are reading this will stay with me and see what is produced from this awakening.

Also, if you haven’t done so yet…go see The Words! It’s brilliant 🙂

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6 comments to Words with Cynthia Vespia

  • z

    Sorry to hear about your da. I had that happen to me…losing myself for a year or so, existing but not living for about a year after my brother died. I will have to net-flix. Thanks
    Z

  • Cynthia, I’ve been cruising around the internet with a heavy heart. I’ve been avoiding my writing. Figured I’d beef up on some writerly knowledge and found this blog. Just lost my Mom to cancer after a 3 yr battle. Going even slightly skin-deep hurts. Thanks for bravely defining your grief and thanks for giving me the strength to look closer at my own. Will see WORDS. Best of luck with your writing. ~Wren

  • Leah Weller

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Truly. Sometimes when we’re at our lowest, we see things the clearest. Hang in there and know that it will get better. I’m not a writer, just a reader who sometimes writes my feelings down. I have bits of paper all over the place. It seems when I was at my lowest, my words were at their best.

  • Z, I’ve been there too. Lost my brother to the hands of another a couple years back. Each loss is different. Right now, because my dad was the corner stone of the family it is a tough hurdle. Thanks for the comment.

    Leah, thank you for the kind words. I like when you said “It seems when I was at my lowest, my words were at their best.” Funny how that happens isn’t it. I guess that’s what they mean when they say ‘tortured artist.’

    Wren, sorry for your loss. My mom passed in 2000. She was my best friend and ideal reader. That old cliche that ‘this too shall pass’ is not true in all circumstances but it does get less heavy. For me its always lingering but I try to use it rather than let it devour me. All I can say is that I’m trying to press on for my family and do them proud. I’m glad that something in this post may have helped you.

    I don’t usually open up this much about my past but sometimes its a necessary evil to get it out of you and not curl up with it.

  • Dana James

    I’ll always stay with you, and if need be pull you out. We all go too deep sometimes. Just pull on your life line. We’re here.